By Eddie Kantar
Courtesy of KantarBridge.com
A guy has been going out with this girl for some time and they play bridge regularly, but not much is happening romantically. Finally, she puts him in this God-awful slam and says: “If you make this contract, I’ll sleep with you.” He tries his hardest, but trumps don’t break and a couple of finesses don’t work and he winds up going down three! She says: “That’s close enough”.
A man and woman who have never played together before get involved in a heart-spade war, each trying to outbid the other. Finally the woman who has a terrific hand, bids 7H,. Not enough, her partner bids 7S,. When the dummy comes down he sees that 7H, is cold and 7S, doesn’t have a prayer. He knows there is going to be trouble after the hand so he begins his apologies early by saying: “Sorry, I should have withdrawn.”
“You should have withdrawn?” says the lady, “Your father should have withdrawn!”
Two wives were discussing whose husband plays worse. Wife #1 says it isn’t even close, hers does. Wife #2 doesn’t agree and says listen to what my husband did last night playing 7NT. He had 11 tricks outside of spades and the dummy had the AxQ of spades and the spade finesse was onside and he had plenty of entries to his hand to take the finesse, but instead of taking the spade finesse he went to dummy and led the SxQ from the dummy! “What’s so bad about that?” wife #1 says, “Against my husband that play works.”
Husband and wife who are playing at the home of friends begin to quarrel. He insults her and she goes to the lady’s room in tears. They wait for her to return, but she doesn’t come back. The husband says, let’s deal out a hand and I’ll bid for her without seeing her hand because it couldn’t be any worse than if she were here. He deals and opens 1H.x Next hand passes and he bids 2Hx for her. When it comes back to him, he bids 3Hx. Next round he thinks a while and bids 4Hx for her. The lead is made and when the dummy comes down he sees he is in a reasonable contract, actually the best contract he’s been in all night. As the play winds down, he finds he needs a finesse to make the contract. As he takes the finesse, which loses, his wife returns determined to finish the game. He looks at her and says “You just had to bid 4Hx, didn’t you”
This guy never leads away from a king. He was told not to, so he never did. Finally he passes away and he finds himself in a bridge game. He is on lead against 4S holding: Kx, Kxx, Kxxx, Kxxx. Right then and there he knew where he was.
Too Tall Tex is playing rubber bridge. Too Tall Tex always looks at everybody’s hand before the bidding begins. He is so tall that he usually can see everything. One day he and his partner are on their way to bidding a small slam in spades. Too Tall Tex’s LHO has Kx of spades and knows all about Too Tall so he hides one of his spades in with his clubs and shows too tall the singleton king of spades. Too Tall, seeing the blank king, bids a grand slam. When he lays down the Ace of spades and the king doesn’t drop, he quits the game because he doesn’t like to play with cheaters.
Too Tall Tex has learned to play Roman Keycard Blackwood and is intrigued with the queen-ask. He learns that there are basically two responses: either you have the queen or you don’t. Too Tall invents a third response when he is being asked. The third response is: “I don’t have the queen, but I know who does.”
I fill in at a table when one lady has to leave. The lesson is on signaling and I emphasize signaling encouragement with the higher or highest of equals. The lady I am playing with has the A10986 and correctly signals me with the ten. I compliment her. She says: “I just read in my Goren book that when you are playing with a weak player that you should make your signals as clear as possible.”
After I apologize to my partner, Billy Eisenberg, for overbidding he says (after having overbid on the same hand): “That’s okay, we deserve each other.”
Man meets woman at bridge club and they decide to play in the evening duplicate. They play all the same conventions — Keycard, Transfers, Short Club, etc. so they really have nothing to go over. They have a big game and win. They go to have a cup of coffee at a restaurant and go over the hands which of course puts them in a good mood, She invites him to her apartment for a drink. They are sitting on the couch and one thing leads to another. Before you know it, clothes are flying around all over the place. In the midst of all this passion, he screams “Alert”
She says: “Yes, what?”
He says: “It could be short.”
This lady, Charlotte, plays very slowly. She is asked to speed it up a bit. She says: “I’m sorry, but I can’t think and play bridge at the same time.”
This elderly genteman goes to the doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor is impressed that this man is in even better health that he was the year before. Curious, he asks him what he does for mental stimulation. The man answers that he plays duplicate bridge. The doctor, a bridge player, tell him that’s great. “And what do you do for physical stimulation?”
”I sit East-West” is the reply.